More Rehab - part two

Ok, I decided to take this time to finish off the How did I get here? episode.....
So, after that last qualifier, I took some serious time off of judo and continued my swimming. I was becoming a rather good swimmer, getting up to swimming a kilometre and finally swimming a whole mile before I finished my swimming rehab. I finally got into the sports medicine clinic at Mt. Sinai and they didn't do much for me, just gave me some ankle exercises and sent me on my merry way to go get an x-ray. The interesting part of the x-ray was that it turns out I had broken my ankle many years ago on the same foot, but on the other side of the foot and it had healed over. I just found that interesting. The x-ray showed nothing - DUH - my ankle isn't broken, I tor ligaments, so the doctor pretty much said, "congratulations, you have torn ligaments" six weeks after the fact, I already knew that. So, I went to see an athletic therapist. That is where MArcel enters my life. Marcel is the world's greatest athletic therapist, he really rocks the house. He has been the AT for many different world-class and Olympic teams, but I am his first judo fighter... he caught on real quick... don't bother telling me not train, he just fixes me when I show up.
Now, this whole tme, I am actually walking with a crazy limp, trying so hard not to... but the limp was rather pervasive, so it threw off that whole side of my body so I started having some pretty serious, back, hip flexor and knee problems, which Marcel still fixes every time I see him. I call him at 9:30 at night and he tells me to come on over!
Anyhow, this skinny marathon man brings me to tears every time I see him, but I know that it is helping so I just suck it up.
So, here I am, nice and qualified to go to the nationals, but have been told not to fight in any tournaments until then so that the ligaments can be as healed as possible before then. So, I rehab and rehab and get stronger and stronger, but have not had a practice tournament since March 2... I still fight at the dojo... but I hope that I will do ok.
Moreover, I have been doing my NCCP levels so that once I become a shodan, I can have my own club. I get told that there is going to be a level two technical course being held at the beginning of May and that I need to be a brown belt for it. this whole time, I was still a blue belt, hadn't bothered to do my brown belt test for Elmer, and I didn't really feel like doing it until the summer, but now, here Iw as with all of this pressure to test for him and then lose an entire weekend of training three weeks before the nationals... I did it... but it sucked! I passed the test, which was an hour and a half long and came straight from hell!
Now this whole time, I have been talking about things that have happened and what I had to do and I haven't been talking about how I feel... I think that is because I think noone will understand the emotions that go along with having an injury like this. Here I am, four months later and I am still not healed, my foot is still taped up every single time I step on a mat and it still randomly swells up a few times a week.
It isn't just the foot, it is the training almost full time hours while holding down an extremely stressful full time job. There are days that I just break down and cry for just a minute, and not very hard, just a little weepy while I am in my car driving from work to the gym. At first, I thought I was losing my mind, but then I realized that once I let it out, I feel better, so I have been embracing these moments. It is weird, sometimes I feel like I am gong to let people down if I don't win, but then the next moment I am just so proud as shit that I am even going.... I just hoe I don't make a fool out of myself. I don't want people to look at me fighting and be like, what the hell is that girl doing here......